Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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