Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
