i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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