My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
