I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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