Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
