I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
