just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Randomize
