i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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