My hand turned me down
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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