I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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