Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
