she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
