You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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