It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
last night I used snow as a chaser
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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