College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Hello my rib-scented angel!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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