How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
