yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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