Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
