Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She bit a glass in half.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
