Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
