she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
