i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My dick has a subreddit
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
