Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
