I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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