just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
