I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
