I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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