ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
