she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
