genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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