I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize