Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
