i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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