Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize