omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
thus making me awesome and them whores
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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