She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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