you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
