It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Bring me that man meat
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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