so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
