omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
