I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
love makes seman taste better
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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