I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
