Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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