he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I still have a little drunk in my system
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
