i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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