The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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