The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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