Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
