my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize