i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
