Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
