Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize