I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
