My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
