Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
