Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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