cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
