I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
